Friendships in your 40s aren’t always easy to maintain and they certainly look different from your 20s. This can bring up feelings of sadness and a sort of grieving. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Have you ever sent a text and not received a reply from a good friend. Maybe you have, but it’s taken days. Do you have kids and do they have kids and does it seem like everyone is in their own little bubble. Well, that’s because we are in our own little bubbles.
Life is busy! If you have kids in activities your life likely revolves around those. If have littles, you may be running on no sleep and are struggling to take care of yourself. Whether you work, stay at home or work from home, friendships old and new are difficult to maintain. There’s hope, but things do have to change. So, how do I do it?
You might be saying, “Ok yes, it’s hard we get it! So, what do you do?” Questions I have had others ask me, especially after I moved across the country a few years ago include: How do I stay connected and not go crazy, especially with a 3-hour time difference? Have I made new friends in this new place? What was that like? Well, in case you haven’t read my Welcome page there’s a few things you might need to know.
- I’m a super social person, who now likes to stay at home ALOT, and still craves social connection.
- I’m very family oriented.
- I’m a homeschool mom and part-time Social Worker.
- I’m a city girl, gone country!
- I’m used to having a few close friends, ones that I have had for 20+ years, who I’d see as much as possible!
Making friendships in your 40s work
Well, here’s what helps me! Radical acceptance! This is hard, it has to look different than it once did, and that just is, the way it is! Before moving across the country I lived about 90min from my closest friends. We all worked and/or had kids in our 30s. I thought that was hard! After the move to Idaho from MA I had to find ways to maintain my friendships! I’m the one that moved. So, it definitely felt like this was on me to figure out!
I work with college students and I talk to a lot of people about the ways that their relationships often change after high school. They feel sad when their friends don’t message them proactively or sometimes even reactively. Often, they feel as though they are the only ones putting in any effort. Many college students miss what it was like to be together and accessible to each other all the time. I completely understand these types of feelings. Things will change, they have to. It’s just part of life. We go through phases and stages and we change with those. Unfortunately, the way our friendships work has to change too.
Gracious expectations of friendships in your 40s
Give each other grace! Have a conversation – if you can catch each other – around giving each other room. Talk about having an expectation of each other that texts and other messages won’t be returned in a timely manner. At what point do you start to worry about each other? How long is reasonable? Maybe that’s a day, maybe it’s a week? Talk about it and agree on it. Remember the point is create space not to give permission to ignore each other and not put in the effort – yes effort.
All relationships, of all types, take effort. It’s about giving each other grace, understanding, and room to be in our own bubbles. Acknowledge all of the things that keep you from connecting in the ways that you used to. Find grounding in your desire to maintain the friendship while adding freedom from the pressures of trying to make it look and feel the way it once did.
Create a safe landing
My best friend and I have made a deal with each other. There’s no pressure to reply to texts or other messages or to return calls. We can however, give each other a safe place to land. She and I text each other any time day or night – she’s in MA, I’m in ID. We put in those messages as much as we need to. Both of us know that it will be seen and it will land in a safe and loving place.
This has been so important to us both. No, we are not at each other’s houses all the time, working together at the mall, going out dancing every weekend kind of friends like we were in our 20s. Our love and connection though, has not changed. We’ve talked about it, accepted our real-life limitations, and created a way to show up for each other. Some times we just reply when we can. Other times we just type back with, “seen.” Either way, we know the other is there.
Create opportunities to look forward to something
Sometimes doing this in your 40s is not an easy thing to do! This might mean sending out the same message to a bunch of different people all at once with the hope that just one person replies. Sometimes it means making plans pretty far out and you being the one to line up the details.
However, if life happens – sick kids, canceled flights, money difficulty, etc. – we have to go back to that grace and understanding for ourselves and our friends that I wrote about earlier. Sometimes getting together in the same physical place is just too hard even if you live next door! You might just schedule a call, plan to send each other something through email or even USPS, an actual physical something from each other can be amazing. Maybe you start a book club together, listen to the same podcast or watch your favorite show with a plan to message each other about it. Be careful not to spoil the book or show for each other though! Also, remember to not put too much pressure on responding quickly.
I’ve made new friendships, in a new place, in my 40s
I’ll say this – I’ve met some really sweet people here. I’m so grateful for the communities we are a part of now. I have some mom friends, I have some work friends, and I have some really amazing neighbors. Making new friends often feels like dating, especially in a place so different from where I am from. It can be stressful and anxiety provoking. It can also feel great to be accepted and cared for by people who were strangers not too long ago.
So, it hasn’t been easy but I don’t think I expected it to be. Similar to the college kids that I work with who are in a new place, trying to find their new friends, it’s an adjustment. Expectations need to be kept low, especially in my 40s. Everyone is busy, we are meeting each other in the busiest times and spaces of our lives. Connection and comfort with other humans takes time to grow and develop. Friendships in your 40s may look different. Old friendships and new may not be the easiest to maintain but you can do it! You can develop and maintain meaningful connections.
When connecting with friends becomes difficult and you feel alone or sad remember to lean into self-care! My Mama Self-care page has lots of easy and accessible tips!
Looking for more simplicity in your life? Me too always! Keep checking out my Finding Simplicity page to follow my journey to a more simple life. You’ll see the big ways and the small ways that I am constantly working on this for myself and my family. I hope it helps!
For another perspective on maintaining friendships in your 40s check out this post from Grown &Flown.
