Saying, “no” has always been hard for me. One day it became time to learn how to advocate for myself, and my well-being. I have a habit of putting other’s first. You know what they tell you on airplanes, to put your oxygen mask on first, right? That’s really hard to do, but pretty essential. If you can’t breathe, you can’t think, it might be hard to communicate in any way, eventually you will lose all physical functioning. So, you put yours on first, then you can help others. It makes sense but, the idea of putting my own needs first has never been easy for me.
Making the switch to, Let me think about it…
I started my current job full of energy, excitement and ideas. I very quickly found myself wearing way too many hats for a part-time position. Those hats made me feel important, needed, wanted, and liked. That all felt great! However, all of the tasks involved began to take their toll. Someone very smart said to me one day, “Lynn, you are wearing a lot of hats around here, and what you do is appreciated. I want you to stop and pause the next time someone asks you to do something. Try this before you say yes…Let me think about it.” We laughed together and I agreed to try that out. In practicing that simple statement, I realized that all I was taking on was to satisfy my own need for validation in this new space. I thought it was for the benefit of my clients or the people I worked with, but I was wrong. Sure, I wanted to create meaningful changes there, but deep down I knew that wasn’t the way to do it and it would only lead to burn out.
Now, I say, “Let me think about it,” to friends, family, work and even new opportunities. Even if it sounds amazing, I give myself a chance to think about it. This has allowed me to simplify, to breathe, to focus on what is truly important to me. Next time you have the opportunity, try it out! Then, ask yourself what feels important about doing this, how does it align with my values and how will it fulfill me?
The kids activities will drive you insane if you let them!
Another example of moments that I have needed to say no involve the kids and their activities. We will see if it works for the long haul, but for now, as my kids are just getting into sports and other activities saying, “No,” has felt very necessary. We can’t be in two places at once. No, we will not do a sport outside if it’s super cold, and/or snowing. Instead of my moving my oldest up, let’s keep the boys on the same team for a couple of seasons. No, you have to choose something that is the same thing, at the same time as your siblings or something in a totally different season.
I have watched friends literally try to be in two places at once, or feel emotionally torn into pieces with the guilt of missing things for one kid or another. So, I say, “No.” I also say, “Yes,” when it makes sense to. We have soccer for my oldest in the spring and fall. The other two tried it and determined it wasn’t for them. My middle kiddo does basketball in the winter and loves it. My youngest is still trying to find something she can dig into, she’s 5, there’s time. It will get harder. Some day there will be more travel, more practices and higher expectations. For now, this works and before those more challenging and demanding days come I am getting great practice with saying, “No.” Fingers crossed I can hold my ground and still help them find joy, fulfillment, accomplishment and socialization.
For more ways to prevent feeling overwhelmed and burnt out checker my Mama Self-care posts!
Other people who are learning to say, “No.”
Here’s some other folks who are saying, “No.” They offer some great alternatives, share their struggles with it and offer their thoughts on how to say no in a gentle way that prioritizes you!
Books!
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